Counseling for Individuals & Couples

Who Are You?, a photo by StudioTempura on Flickr.

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.”

I love this quote by Margaret Young!

I think this quote stands out to me so much because this is what I do. It happens to be how I make my living, but for me and for my clients it’s so much more than that.

I help people to discover who they are. Embrace who they are. Learn to love who they are. Find comfort and stability and pride in who they are. And then, it’s amazing, the rest, what they said they wanted… it just comes.

Are you ready to discover who you are?

I came across this article on the Huffington Post discussing how women remarry less often than men, and I have to say, it broke my heart.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nina-collins/why-remarry_b_835218.html

Photo credit: macboya

To summarize, the author, Nina Collins, shares her thoughts and feelings on how marriage is for 20 and 30 something’s with lots of energy, because men, and relationships, require too much energy and care for 40-something’s who have been through a divorce.

This is heartbreaking to me!

As a couple’s counselor, and a wife of almost 8 years, I am very aware of the difficulties and struggles of long-term relationships. Relationships can be hard and they certainly do take work.   But, to reach the point where you’d rather not be in a relationship at all because the negatives outweigh the positives sounds devastating to me. 

I can’t help but wonder is this a reflection on relationships, or our knowledge and know-how of relationships?

Statistically, second, third, fourth (and so on) marriages end in even higher divorce rates the larger the marriage number gets. Yet, studies have shown over and over again, that as humans we age more gracefully and live longer and healthier when we have relationships in our lives, and that our happiness levels do not increase with divorce.

Why is this?

I believe this is because we are not educated on the how-to’s of romantic relationships like we are in so many other areas of our life.  Think about the areas you are most successful in: work, sports, hobbies, organizational skills, cooking, reading, politics?  Now estimate how much time you invest in these activities each day, and how many years you’ve spent investing in them.  You’ve probably put 10,000′s of hours into developing, researching, and learning about your professional life, how many hours have you spent developing, researching, and/or learning about your relationship?

There is so much information out there that can help make relationships easier, more successful, and more enjoyable.  It’s up to each of us to seek it out, and to educate ourselves on the how-to’s of relationships.

Why Couple’s Educator?

It’s funny, my title is Marriage & Family Therapist, and most people call me a counselor, but really what I do is educate couples on relationships.

I help couples to look at the ideas, beliefs, expectations that they came into the relationship with, and then sort out what really happens in a relationship, what a long term relationship really looks like, and how they can create a happy, fulfilling, secure, drama-free relationship by letting go of the expectations they came into the relationship with and creating their own expectations, definitions, and system.

So really, I guess my title should be Couple’s Educator {wink}.

This distinction is so important!  The couples I work with who view (or learn to view) what we do together as a learning tool vs. fixing the relationship, or the other person, are the ones who see huge success.   Not only do these couples (and individuals) learn to interact with each other in a more productive way but they also learn problem-solving skills, so things don’t boil up to the exploding point in the future.

Maybe a little relationship understanding and know-how is all your relationship needs?

Seattle Fireworks over Elliot Bay – www.SeattleFireworks.net

Originally uploaded by SeattleFireworks

Happy New Year!

With 2011 freshly starting, and everyone still motivated to keep their new year’s resolutions I think now is a great time for us to discuss change. As a therapist, I get asked this question all the time: “Can people change?” The answer…. YES, ABSOLUTELY!

Change, growth, healing, whatever you want to call it, is totally possible, and is possible for each and every person. There’s just one catch, you can’t change someone else you can only change yourself.

This distinction is so important, and where so many people end up going wrong. Happiness, whether in a relationship, with yourself, in life overall, with your physical appearance, or at work only can come from one place… YOU. No matter where you’ve come from, what you’ve been through, what your goals in life are, your level of happiness is entirely up to you.

It’s a funny example, but The Bachelor this season is an excellent illustration of this.

Here’s a guy who had some pretty serious commitment issues, who went on a reality TV show to find love because he believed he’d find happiness through someone else. He believed, as so many of us do, that his lack of love was because of other people; the right woman hadn’t entered his life. Ultimately, he discovered that his lack of love and happiness had nothing to do with the women, or lack of the right woman, it came from within him.

If there was one lesson I’d wish everyone could learn in their lifetime, this would be it. Because once you get this concept, once you understand your part in your happiness, the possibilities become endless. Change, growth, happiness are so possible. I see it everyday, in my clients, in my own life, and in the people around me. All it takes is learning where to look for it, and who to look for it from.

Keep checking back this month for more posts about changing your life.