Counseling for Individuals & Couples

Is anyone else struggling with worse than normal allergies this year?

Man, my energy and creativity have been hijacked by allergies lately which is why things have been running so late on my blog.  I want to apologize for the delay in getting not only this post done but May’s Newsletter out and the free MP3 I promised. Both May’s Newsletter and the free MP3 of my favorite relaxation technique will follow shortly…. I promise!

Today I want to share my final (for this month) tool that I like to keep in my toolbox…. The 5 Love Languages.

The 5 Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman that helps us understand that we all have a different “love language,” or ways that we hear/feel/experience love.   So if we know our partner’s love language then we are better able to make them feel loved, supported, cared for, and important to us.   Great ability to have in a relationship, right?!

The 5 Love Languages are:

1. Gifts- small non-expensive tokens of appreciation, for example homemade cards and notes, fresh picked flowers, a cup of coffee
2. Acts of Service- doing actual tasks, for example the dishes, making the bed, washing the car
3. Physical Touch- which is not sex, but cuddling, hand holding, back rubs….
4. Quality Time- time spent together talking with no other distractions (like the TV)
5. Words of Affirmation- using words to tell someone how you feel about them, what you appreciate about them, or what they have done well

I am telling you, knowing, understanding, and using your partners love language can really restore and deepen your relationship!

But personally, I keep this book in my toolbox because this love languages idea transcends romantic relationships and helps me have better relationships all around!

4 other relationships The 5 Love Languages can help to restore and deepen

• Yourself. Knowing what love language you are allows you to create more effective and healing self-care strategies. (Like when you have allergies for example!)
• Your Kids. Using their love language allows them to really feel your love and support in a whole new way; you are speaking their language and telling them that they are OK just as they are when you use their love language.
• Your Friends. Again, helps you to better support and connect with your friends and understand why they want/need certain things from your friendship.
• Your parents. Being aware of your parents love language can help you better connect with and help your parents AND better understand why they may be asking certain things of you.

And don’t forget, knowing someone’s love language also helps to better understand the other side of things as well. Meaning, there may be many things you are unknowingly doing that hurt the people you care about because of their love language.  For example, if your friend is a Quality Time person and you tend to flake or show up late for the plans you make together, this will create more hurt in this relationship then it will it someone with Gifts as a love language.

Click here to discover your love language and learn more about this book.

Egg Timer

Originally uploaded by eyeseenicee

Do you remember this post about the incredible inedible egg timer? In that post I shared with you how I use an egg timer to create pockets of time in my day; well, I also use an egg timer to help bring more balance to many of my relationships including my marriage.

Which is why I decided this amazing little gadget needed another post dedicated to it, and a formal mention as one of my favorite tools in my toolbox.

Why an egg timer?
Have you ever noticed how having an end point, in any event, allows us to dedicate ourselves to the event more completely? If it’s a good event, we are able relax and enjoy it, and if it’s a bad event we know we just have to suck it up for so long.

Well, an egg timer can be used to create this end point for many things in your relationship.

The Good
Think of it like this- whether you go get a massage, play golf, or go to a movie you always have an idea of how long the event is going to last. This allows you to relax and enjoy it fully without worrying about what comes next. This same principle can be applied at home with your partner by using an egg timer. Creating a set end point in advance allows you to exchange back rubs, foot massages, or have dinner together, play games together, or go for a walk together without worrying about when you’ll get to your to do list.

The Bad
Every relationship has difficult fight-causing topics; by using an egg timer to manage the time devoted to them you can discuss them and still have time for other things in your life and relationship. Having a set end time will help each partner participate and stay present, stay on topic, better organize their thoughts on the topic to ensure their point of view is heard, and means the topic cannot take over your evening or relationship by going on and on and on.

5 places to use an egg timer in a your relationship

1. The difficult topics like money, sex, in-laws, and household chores. Set up in advance with your partner on how often and for how long each topic will be discussed, this way you both can let it fall by the wayside when it’s not time to discuss it.
2. To create a space for venting after a break in trust, or hurt feelings. Placing a time limit on the venting allows one partner to get things off their chest, and the other to just listen without defending them self. This can be very help in moving towards forgiveness.
3. Making time for physical touch. 5 minutes of hand, foot, shoulder and/or a back massage are all wonderful things to share with our partners and can increase emotional intimacy.
4. Making time for fun. 20 minutes after dinner of walking, playing cards, sipping wine, checking in, it doesn’t matter what you do with the time, having a set end time allows you to have some fun quality time together and still get all your to do’s done.
5. In doing daily chores/house cleaning. Set a timer and have everyone in the house clean as much as they can for that period of time. Everyone will be much more motivated to help knowing it’s broken into small increments of time. You can even make a competition out of it to see who gets the most done. When time is up, use the timer to do something to reward yourselves for the hard work! (Don’t forget a prize for the winner!)

Have you guys checked out the website  i can read before? I found the above photo on this site and I just love it.

Too often we assume that the important (and not so important) people in our lives just know how we feel about them… but you know what they say about ass-u-me-ing things, right?  Especially in our long term relationships, we get comfortable and spend a lot of time pointing out our partner’s short-comings, but how much time do we spend pointing out or acknowledging their strengths and appreciation that they are in our lives?

So here’s my challenge to you- start telling the people in your life how you feel about them! We are coming up on a new month, so it’s a perfect time to create a month long project out of this.  And here’s how….

Spend the next week creating your “plan of attack” for this challenge.

• Figure out who you are going to include in your project and how much focus you want to put on each person.  For example, if you are in a relationship, maybe it’s just your partner you want to focus on, or maybe you want to pick a different person for each day of the month.  Totally up to you, but it’s easier to have a plan up front.

• Next start creating a list (mental or hard copy) of the things you appreciate, love, respect, cherish, make you giggle, rely on, take for granted about the person or people you’ve selected.  Remember April has 30 days so if you are focusing on your partner, you want to have 30 things in your list.

• Then figure out how you’d like to communicate these things with the people you’ve selected.  It could be with daily emails, text messages, hand written notes, little presents or treats that represent your specific feelings.

Like maybe you want to give your partner or friend a role of Life Savers candy because they saved your life, or project in some way.  Maybe there are some cute songs (like “My Life Would Suck Without You” by the cast of  Glee) that you can burn or gift through iTunes.  Or maybe you either print out or create the month of April from a calendar and then each day, write a new thing.

It’s up to you how you present the info, but it will be easier to complete this challenge if you have a plan ahead of time.  You can even use some of the planning time to purchase some materials, or save a few draft emails, what ever you need to make the next 30 days easier.

But have fun with this part.  Get creative.  Trust the process and know that it will get easier and more fun the more you do it.

Then, on April 1st begin your project!

• Spend a just a few minutes each day telling the people in your life how important they are to you, how much you appreciate them, how much they make you laugh or keep you on track.

• Do this for all 30 days in April!  It’s only 30 days, you can do it.

• Along the way, notice the differences this “challenge” is bringing into your relationships and self.  We get what we put out, so even though this challenge is based around giving to other people it will be impossible for you not to start feeling more loved, appreciated, happy, and hopeful along the way!

Finally, take this challenge and make it your own!

• Maybe it’s something you do once a quarter with your family, maybe it replaces Christmas or Birthday presents this year, maybe showing appreciating and love becomes a weekly task for you…. doesn’t matter how you do it, it just matters that you do it, and that it fits for you.