Counseling for Individuals & Couples

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In my last post we explored how the Golden Rule can actually be harming your relationship because it assumes that your partner wants and appreciates the same things you do.

Now, when I share this concept with my clients, most totally get it, and yet have serious difficulties applying this concept to their relationship.   It may take a little effort, but this is one of the most helpful concepts to become skilled at understanding for your relationship: it’s not up to your partner to learn the way you express love, it’s up to you to learn the way your partner feels love.

Why is this distinction so important?

Understanding and applying this seemingly subtle distinction is very important in relationships because when you do things the way your partner experiences love it fills him/her up, but when you ask your partner to experience love from your way, you actually deplete them.

There are already so many life stressors’ that cause stress and tax us, especially in our relationships.  Bills, in-laws, cleaning, work, friends, children, ex’s can all take their toll and leave us feeling depleted and tired.  It’s normal, natural, and happens in every relationship.  But here’s the thing- when you are feeling depleted and tired, how much tolerance do you have?  How strong is your ability to compromise?  To understand?  To communicate?  For most of us, these areas are all significantly decreased by being depleted and tired; yet our irritability, short temper, anger, and hurt skyrocket.

Now think about how you handle the life’s stressors when you are well rested, happy, and content.  How much stronger is your ability to compromise, communicate, and understand?

Running on a full tank vs. an empty one

It’s like with your car, you’ve got to take time to fill up the gas tank before you run out of gas to keep your car running.   Showing your partner appreciation in a way they feel it, is like filling up their gas tank.  It gives them fuel to more easily handle the stressors in life, and to better navigate the waters of your relationship.

Here’s a few questions to ask yourself to help kick start you understanding of this concept

How do you express love to others, especially your partner?

What makes you feel the most loved and cared about?

How does your partner express their love?

What makes them feel the most loved and cared about?

Have you ever asked your partner what makes them feel the most loved?

What forms of love are you most comfortable expressing?  What forms are you most uncomfortable expressing?

How do these (answers from above) influence your assumptions of what your partner likes?

BaLLYoOo

In my past post I shared how I feel like my title should actually be Couple’s Educator instead of Couple’s Counselor.  So this time I thought it might be helpful to share an example of this.  We all know the Golden Rule “do unto others as you would have done unto you,” and many of us try to live by this code.  Seems nice, respectful, helpful, and what “good people” do, right?

What you might not realize, is that when it comes to relationships, the Golden Rule can be the kiss of death!

I’m serious!  This rule that we all learned back in kindergarten can be the downfall of your relationship.

Here’s my example of just how it can be damaging….

Let’s say there is a couple named Ross and Rachael.

Ross grew up with 8 brothers and sisters, in the country, with little money.  In his family when it was someone’s birthday they got to pick what the family had for dinner that night, and everyone else pitched in and did their chores for the day.

Rachael on the other hand, grew up an only child, in the city, with lot’s of money.  When it was her birthday, her parents threw her huge parties with clown’s, balloon animals, jumping houses, cotton candy machines- the works.

As adults, Ross and Rachael meet, fall madly in love, and get married.  During their first year of marriage both really try hard to do things they think the other will like and appreciate, including birthday celebrations.   Ross has the first birthday and Rachael throws him a huge surprise party in their back yard.  All their friends and family are invited, it’s catered, there is live music, and a dance floor- it’s an elaborate celebration.  During the party Ross is a bit withdrawn and quiet and so Rachael asks him, “What’s wrong, don’t you like the party?”  Ross responds with, “You didn’t put this on the credit card, did you?”

Rachael is heartbroken and hurt, she bursts into tears and feels totally unappreciated.  Ross feel frustrated, embarrassed, uncomfortable, and totally unsure about what just happened.

Then, a few month’s later it’s Rachael’s birthday. Ross makes a point of coming home from early that day and says to her, “Baby, I want to take you out to dinner tonight.  Anywhere you want to go.  You pick it, and we’ll head out.  And, I want you to know that this weekend, no matter what, every single thing on that honey-do list you have for me, it’s getting done!  I don’t care how long it takes me, I promise I’ll get through the whole list.”  Rachael’s response to this birthday offering, “Is that all?!?”

Again Rachael feels hurt, let down, and unappreciated.  Ross feels confused, frustrated, and again, totally unsure about what went wrong.

The message in this….

It’s a simple example, with a big message in it.  Both Ross and Rachael did things that appear nice, loving, and appreciative but here’s the catch, it was based on what they would want and appreciate not on what the other one would want and appreciate.

Can you see the difference?

So often in relationships we get excited and focused on what would feel good to us and totally forget that our partner is a different person than we are.  We do like we were taught in kindergarten, follow the Golden Rule with the best of intentions, and yet come out feeling like crap.  Then in the future, it’s the crap feeling we remember and focus on, and we begin to put less effort into surprising, or building up, or showing appreciation to our partner for fear of being shot down again.

So, how do we go about changing this cycle?

We start by asking our partner what they would like, and then believe them when they tell us! If you have a hard time believing them, tell them that.  Try explaining that it is so different from what you would want, that it’s hard for you to understand that they will be happy with their request.  Let them in to your world, and what you’d want, and then have fun comparing and contrasting what they want.

In the end, the Golden Rule is about not hurting other people; it’s about treating people with respect.  By opening up this conversation with your partner, and learning more about them and their interests, you can follow the Golden Rule and have a happy successful relationship!

I came across this article on the Huffington Post discussing how women remarry less often than men, and I have to say, it broke my heart.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nina-collins/why-remarry_b_835218.html

Photo credit: macboya

To summarize, the author, Nina Collins, shares her thoughts and feelings on how marriage is for 20 and 30 something’s with lots of energy, because men, and relationships, require too much energy and care for 40-something’s who have been through a divorce.

This is heartbreaking to me!

As a couple’s counselor, and a wife of almost 8 years, I am very aware of the difficulties and struggles of long-term relationships. Relationships can be hard and they certainly do take work.   But, to reach the point where you’d rather not be in a relationship at all because the negatives outweigh the positives sounds devastating to me. 

I can’t help but wonder is this a reflection on relationships, or our knowledge and know-how of relationships?

Statistically, second, third, fourth (and so on) marriages end in even higher divorce rates the larger the marriage number gets. Yet, studies have shown over and over again, that as humans we age more gracefully and live longer and healthier when we have relationships in our lives, and that our happiness levels do not increase with divorce.

Why is this?

I believe this is because we are not educated on the how-to’s of romantic relationships like we are in so many other areas of our life.  Think about the areas you are most successful in: work, sports, hobbies, organizational skills, cooking, reading, politics?  Now estimate how much time you invest in these activities each day, and how many years you’ve spent investing in them.  You’ve probably put 10,000′s of hours into developing, researching, and learning about your professional life, how many hours have you spent developing, researching, and/or learning about your relationship?

There is so much information out there that can help make relationships easier, more successful, and more enjoyable.  It’s up to each of us to seek it out, and to educate ourselves on the how-to’s of relationships.

Why Couple’s Educator?

It’s funny, my title is Marriage & Family Therapist, and most people call me a counselor, but really what I do is educate couples on relationships.

I help couples to look at the ideas, beliefs, expectations that they came into the relationship with, and then sort out what really happens in a relationship, what a long term relationship really looks like, and how they can create a happy, fulfilling, secure, drama-free relationship by letting go of the expectations they came into the relationship with and creating their own expectations, definitions, and system.

So really, I guess my title should be Couple’s Educator {wink}.

This distinction is so important!  The couples I work with who view (or learn to view) what we do together as a learning tool vs. fixing the relationship, or the other person, are the ones who see huge success.   Not only do these couples (and individuals) learn to interact with each other in a more productive way but they also learn problem-solving skills, so things don’t boil up to the exploding point in the future.

Maybe a little relationship understanding and know-how is all your relationship needs?