I came across this article on the Huffington Post discussing how women remarry less often than men, and I have to say, it broke my heart.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nina-collins/why-remarry_b_835218.html

Photo credit: macboya

To summarize, the author, Nina Collins, shares her thoughts and feelings on how marriage is for 20 and 30 something’s with lots of energy, because men, and relationships, require too much energy and care for 40-something’s who have been through a divorce.

This is heartbreaking to me!

As a couple’s counselor, and a wife of almost 8 years, I am very aware of the difficulties and struggles of long-term relationships. Relationships can be hard and they certainly do take work.   But, to reach the point where you’d rather not be in a relationship at all because the negatives outweigh the positives sounds devastating to me. 

I can’t help but wonder is this a reflection on relationships, or our knowledge and know-how of relationships?

Statistically, second, third, fourth (and so on) marriages end in even higher divorce rates the larger the marriage number gets. Yet, studies have shown over and over again, that as humans we age more gracefully and live longer and healthier when we have relationships in our lives, and that our happiness levels do not increase with divorce.

Why is this?

I believe this is because we are not educated on the how-to’s of romantic relationships like we are in so many other areas of our life.  Think about the areas you are most successful in: work, sports, hobbies, organizational skills, cooking, reading, politics?  Now estimate how much time you invest in these activities each day, and how many years you’ve spent investing in them.  You’ve probably put 10,000′s of hours into developing, researching, and learning about your professional life, how many hours have you spent developing, researching, and/or learning about your relationship?

There is so much information out there that can help make relationships easier, more successful, and more enjoyable.  It’s up to each of us to seek it out, and to educate ourselves on the how-to’s of relationships.

Why Couple’s Educator?

It’s funny, my title is Marriage & Family Therapist, and most people call me a counselor, but really what I do is educate couples on relationships.

I help couples to look at the ideas, beliefs, expectations that they came into the relationship with, and then sort out what really happens in a relationship, what a long term relationship really looks like, and how they can create a happy, fulfilling, secure, drama-free relationship by letting go of the expectations they came into the relationship with and creating their own expectations, definitions, and system.

So really, I guess my title should be Couple’s Educator {wink}.

This distinction is so important!  The couples I work with who view (or learn to view) what we do together as a learning tool vs. fixing the relationship, or the other person, are the ones who see huge success.   Not only do these couples (and individuals) learn to interact with each other in a more productive way but they also learn problem-solving skills, so things don’t boil up to the exploding point in the future.

Maybe a little relationship understanding and know-how is all your relationship needs?

Photo Credit- i can read

The fifth and final step in my 5-Step forgiveness plan…

Forgive yourself if old negative feelings flare up again, and simply repeat the first 4 steps whenever they are needed.

“Forgiveness is a journey. Today you can forgive and tomorrow you can feel the pain all over again” Anne Gallagher.  I think this quote is so true and so telling of forgiveness.

Sometimes the pain comes back to us because we are new a learning to forgive, and it takes getting used to.

Sometimes the pain comes back because it’s been our “go to” defense for a long time and we have to retrain ourselves to respond in a different way.

Sometimes the pain comes back because a new hurt touches upon hurts we’ve carried for a long time.

Sometimes the pain comes back because we are sad about something or someone we lost.

No matter what the cause or reason for the pain coming back letting yourself face and experience the sadness, or the real emotion, will bring much more healing and relief than letting resentment and anger back into your life.

All right, so we’ve reviewed steps 1 (move beyond the anger), and 2 (take care of yourself), in my 5-Step Forgiveness Plan. Now we are ready to move onto step 3.

Step 3 is a really important component of this process, not that all the steps aren’t important, because they are, but step 3 is where you really start taking back the power over your own feelings and begin to see whatever happened in a new light.

Step 3- Find 3 things you are grateful for that wouldn’t have happened without this hurt.

There is a ripple effect to everything! Sometimes we have to look hard for it, but there is always something good, that wouldn’t have happened otherwise, that comes out of something bad.

• Maybe we discover strength we didn’t know we had
• Maybe we reconnected or deepened our connection with someone else as a result of what happened
• Maybe this door closing opened a window to a path we would have never seen before
• Maybe we found a new job that doesn’t suck our soul dry
• Maybe we discovered a new passion in life
• Maybe we were kept from heading down the wrong path for our core self
• Maybe we were kept from making a big mistake
• Maybe we were kept from giving our life, love, and support from someone who doesn’t deserve it
• Maybe we were jolted into fully living and experiences our life instead of sleepwalking though our days

If you look for it, you will find the ways that the ripple effect has influenced your life, and begin to see the original injury or hurt in a new light. When you make the connection between this hurtful event and the wonderful things that have happened in your life as a result of it, (which sometimes can be a step or two removed from it- meaning that the event lead you to them in a round about way) it will be effortless to let go of the anger and resentment.

If you watched The Bachelorette this week, you heard Ali refer to one of my favorite quotes after getting her heart broken by Frank: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”- Eleanor Roosevelt. This is exactly why I love step 3 so much! Step 3 is about taking charge of your own life and the path you’ve taken and seeing it more clearly from your own lens and making it all about YOU! It takes the power away from what they did and gives it back to you.

So, what 3 things are you grateful for that you that you wouldn’t have experienced otherwise?